we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
