Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
