I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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