Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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