I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
