for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize