We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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