1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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