in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
