I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
