I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
