I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
