Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
