Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
