I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
