Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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