Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize