Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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