He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
