I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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