I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
