What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
