hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
