Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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