We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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