I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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