apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
