If that was your dad, he is hot
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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