Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
