On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
