I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize