I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
