dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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