I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
