Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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