i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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