I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
