my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
