When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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