his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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