never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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