i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize