This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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