i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
