What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
