I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
