Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
