My girlfriend figured out who you are.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
