i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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