i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
