I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
