She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
