I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
