The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
