Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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