Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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