I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
