I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
