How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
