A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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