We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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